VM this is my first time going to your page myself, and i couldn't hold back the tears!! they weren't all because i was sad...it was remembering the happy times and how we grew even closer once i got older!
remembering the phone calls at 2 or 5 in the morning while i was in college...when u would call and rap for me...lol! remembering being 7 and brushing our teeth together in the bathroom, and me always being jealous your hair was prettier than mine...sitting and eating peanuts listen to your music and watching videos of you playing in bars when we lived in wv...what were u 17 and people loved you! when u came to pa i can remember running from my friends house to home when my mom said you were there!
just wanted to say that i miss you and i love you! you'll always be in my heart!!
Had a moment to write to you so I thought I would take advantage of the opportunity.
I know you can see all that goes on, but it helps me a lil bit more if I can sorta talk to you about things. Well Dad's home, he's gettin slower all the time. It's really a hard thing to do, ya know?? watchin him grow older all the time. He has come so far since his stroke but at the same time has begun to fade so fast. The new doctors say he has altimerez (sp?), I'm not sure that's what I believe it is... I think it may just be to many drunken stuppers in the past. He seems happy for the most part. He misses you like crazy and is so ready to find you in the next realm. I've put the house up for sale, I tried Jim, I really really tried to keep it, but it just needs so much work, so much more than I can do or afford. I'm not sure it will even sell...things are bad here on earth for everyone financially, and the place is just simply a mess. I'm doing the best I can to try to make sure things are done right...it's just so damn hard sometimes.
Well your visit in my dream the other night was awesome. I so didnt want to wake up, chillin with you was the best. Funny you promised in the dream you wouldnt leave and would be there when I got back, but I woke up before I had the chance to see you again. I miss you, Snappa. I so hope the promise means that you havent left and your still with me all the time. I know that your memories and the love I feel for you is still the same, but I'm praying it's more than that!!
Well you nephew and niece are good, both busy with adult life and being parents....oh yea, Crystals having a baby, just in case you missed that update, LOL. Yet again you will be another GREAT Uncle....Cyla, calls you Angel Jim instead of Uncle Jim, which dad thinks is just so sweet, he gets a tear in his eye everytime she says it.
Tell Katie that Chris' head smells just like yours ... for when she needs a reminder. Terrible to use Chris in that way but its true and I told him so. Its funny because I know Amy doesn't smell like me, especially her head, LOL. But you and Chris and probably Jason too have that in common ... I am sure you don't want to hear that.
I wish your smile, your touch, your laugh, your eyes, your facial expressions, your sound were as available ... quite simply I wish you were still in human form as you will never be replacable.
Another thing you can tell her is that when I wake up in the night and my light is on, I am so sure its you that I say, "Jim, turn the light off please" and roll over. I wake the next morning and the light is off. Tell her its you, Jim ... she needs to hear from you ... don't whisper, shout ... throw something across the room "Jimmy G." style.
I am so looking forward to heaven. I was wondering on my way to work if you wonder the same thing I do ... I say to God, "does Jim hope I'll recognize him as much as I hope he'll recognize me when I get to heaven?" And the answer back was a resounding "yes" and "you both will since you both exist every moment with the other in your hearts." So even when I am mad at you for leaving me, for not thinking of me and everyone else who grieves for you, you still remind me that "you'll always be you and I can't get my money back."
Strange are the various places in this world that still have you in the memory ... its hauntingly empty. I don't wish to find you in the past, simply the present and future will do. For the past is dead and you are not ... not to me, Jim.
I too pretend you are still alive somewhere as if that would be more bareable. It doesn't last long ...
Angels/ Angelica Grover (Twinless Twin)
The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God. ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994
Somedays the tears still flow oh so quickly. Is this it....is this all I have left of the love we have, I sure hope not! Somedays it's still so very hard to try to accept the fact that you are not here. I force myself to believe that there is something after this mortal life, and there we will meet again. I try to find you everywhere.....and make believe that you really are that special star I see, the butterfly that flutters through the yard, the light that I dont remember turning on. They say to grateful for the memories..somedays memories dont seem like enough to heal the empty space in my heart. I so want to hear your voice, hushing all the storms that brew. I want to hug you and remember that smell. I want to see you smile, to remind me that you truly loved life. Time they say heals all wounds, but not with me, not with this.... it only makes it harder to remember, and I dont ever want to forget, not even one hair on your head. I miss you Jim, more than you could of ever imagined, more than I could of ever imagined.
Angels surround us no matter where you go Angels are around us don't you know Angels will be strong for you Angels will belong to you Angels will survive for you and protect you no matter what you do Angels will be there in time of need and angels will never leave as long as you believe.
I dont get it?? / Katie (Sister)
Ok, I really dont get it.....why is Pops such a friggin arse?? Not really with me, but with everyone else. He lives in this frekkin house, HOME where he wanted to be!! Yet, he wont talk to anyone but me, and talks shit on everyone else.....except Jon, of course he just says nothing at all about him or to him. This is unbelieveably frustrating. Then once again there's this house..... what a piece of shit it is!! Nothing works, everything need fixed....trying to do the right thing has proved to be a GREAT BIG mistake!! I sit here and look at your picture and think about how tired you must of been.... you did this for years, and me, well I am already to threw. It's really not the physical part of taking care of him, it's the mental, that's draging me down. Jon, hates here, I'm sure you can see that...... Hard as I try, there is no making anything right with him. I dont really think he's in-love with me anymore, I think he feels more trapped... *shrug*. Well you know me, he really doesnt need to feel that way, if I gotta do it on my own I can. Would it hurt? Hell Ya! Wouldnt be the first time though. Were you ready to go, Jim? Did you know? Did you pick the time? Most of the time I think I know the answers to those questions, and I dont THINK you planned it that way.... but on days like today, I could understand if you did. Sure understand those feelings of despair and left alone in this world, searching for someone to make it better and not finding them. Jim, on the real.... I need you, I need to know your around, I dont like things like this. Oh yea, and lets not forget, Chris, is back in jail....aint that just wonderful. Well I hope you got to be at Crystal's wedding today, I wanted to go so very bad, I guess that would be some of the underlying depression...The fact that my baby girl got married, and I couldnt even be there.... Gonna run, cause I'm starting to cry, which means I'm starting to ramble.
Caught Me / Deena Robyn (Heart & Soul )
Ok, so you know I avoid the radio so the songs don't catch me off guard and leave me in a meloncholy state all day with the chance of loss of emotional control and crying ... but you caught me, at the dentist office ... nothing I could do but listen. These are the songs you played for me ...I love you too, Jim ... "I'm already there ..."
I walked into the office and this song emmediately came on ...
"Landslide" - Fleetwood Mac and I almost asked the office person to if she could turn off the radio ... but that would've been rude.
Then I was getting shot-up with novacane and this song came on ...
"I'm already there" - Lonestar ... and I thought, "I know you are Jim ... in all ways possible."
And then ... "Wonderful Tonight" - Clapton (oh the memories).
I'm not sure why you played the next song except just to make me cry some more ... or that I've always liked it ...
"I Ain't Missing You At All" - John Waite (I forget his band at the time he put that song out).
Another "I'm not sure" other than I like it ... "Because of You" - Kellie Clarkson (this song bares no relevance to us ... but then again I don't think I want to do this again if you know what I mean.)
So I said to you (in my mind), "Ok, if its really you and its not just me wanting to think its you, play something that they would hardly ever play on the radio."
So then they played, "Alone" - Heart ... one of my all time favorite bands ... which you know. Remember when I sang "these dreams" when it came on the radio that night at your great-grandmother's cabin that last July ... out front on the porch, you were so sad for some reason, saying that I was your best friend but not really telling me why you were so sad and then "these dreams" came on and I just did my thing where I just start singing the song ... I guess you noticed. Sometimes it was hard to tell when you'd get so wrapped up in your sorrow.
Then the last song played, "Stayin' Alive" ... ok, so you know I love the Bee Gees ... and you know I contemplated letting my gums get worse at the thought of the possibility of a life-threatening infection. I know its crazy and I wouldn't let that happen if I could help it ... but you know I think about it ... you I think about how long it'll be until I either get to see and be with you again or see and be "nothing at all" (another heart song reference there ... but not intended) ... that's sort of what life is like without you, Jim ... its like "nothing at all" ...
All I can say is "thanks for not playing 'Wish You Were Here'." That would've found me running for the door.
So thank you for reminding me that you see me and are "already there" ... I know you are everything that song suggests ... I know you are with/for me ... eternally. Thank you for the love, Jim ... the most precious gift I could ever know and recieve and reciprocate ... no matter "where" we are.
I know you can read my thoughts ... and how sometimes I think, what if he were alive somewhere and he just showed up one day ... Isn't that rediculous?
So I've got the yarhzeit candle going ... dusk to dusk ... "while my guitar gently weeps" ... never to played again since you were the last and only person to play it.
I love you so much Jim. I wish you could hug me ... what I wouldn't give for a hug, a kiss or just a flash of that beautiful smile ... the sound of your laugh from you ... its a yearning that never ends but as the song goes "one more day, one more time, one more sunset baby, I'd be satisfied, but then again, I know what it would do, leave me wishin' still for one more day with you. "
So I'll just keep wishin', I'll keep looking for you :) This love will never end. I love you, my honey! xoxoxooooxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo Close
Thoughts of you on your angel date. / Jo-Ann Pacenta Lauren's Mom (angelfamilies)Read >>
Thoughts of you on your angel date. / Jo-Ann Pacenta Lauren's Mom (angelfamilies) Close
Never can you begin to Understand / Katie Tolliver (Sister)
It is all so crazy still, all so very fresh in my mind. They say it gets easier.....I dont believe that. I have days that I find comfort in the love we had, but there are still so many days I continue to ask "Why?" Days when I ask, "What could I have done differently?" I never find the answer, so I walk along quietly and think about YOU. Two years, seems as much as things have changed, they have remained the same. Pops misses you so much, being home plays back so many memories in his mind. I have yet to figure out, Jim, why and how we are so much alike? I hurt for him, funny huh? After all the past is just that. I hope you are happy with the ideas that Jon and I have for the house, it was suppose to be your house, I want to make it a comfortable place for you to rest your soul. I want you to come and know that NEVER again will you have to do anything, but just be happy....gosh, How I so pray that you are happy where you are. I talk to Chris on occasion, he sounds as if it's TIME, or should I say he's ready, ready to be responsible for himself. I know you must smile upon him, when he truly handles his business. At times he remains lost without your presence, but I cant judge him for that, I too feel so very lost without you, alot of the time. Cyla's getting big, she's so smart. Kev's got a baby boy now...so now it's a great niece and nephew... he looks like the Gaudreau's as I'm sure you've seen, he's got the forehead that's forsure, LOL. I havent talk to your mom as often as I was, been busy with the move and all, although I know that's no excuse. When we do talk she sounds content with her life. I'm happy for her. Meme, she's Meme, she's gonna outlive us all you know *SMILE* One day I'm scared to death she'll be gone and then the next day I talk to her, she sounds wonderful. She still says she "cant wait to go on that ride with you in the Gold Corvette you promised". Well baby boy, time to take care of Pops. I so respect and admire you for all that you are and all that you have done. Take care of you, till I get where you are. Smile on us all, we all could sure use the blessings. I miss you, I miss you so very much!! See you on the otherside, one day soon. Bigger than the SKY!!!!! Your Sister, Katie
There is a black hole / Katie (Sister)
There is such an emply place in my heart. I have searched for almost 2 years now and tried to find something/anything to fill the void that has been left here. I Love You and I Believe that we will share our time again together, but it's the here and now that I find so difficult. I miss the sound of your voice, the laughter and music, it's all gone. You answer my questions, you give your opinion, but it's only in my mind, and then I begin to question is it really you??? Never in my life did I think I would live without you...... Now I must deal with something I never planned for, never even thought about. I'm am just so frustrated all the time when it comes to family issues/decesions I must make without you. I want to know I am doing the right thing, I need your reassurance. I know the saying "well life's not fair" but this isnt just about my life, it's about our father as well. I dont know, I just dont know....... Well, Meme' is fading, of course I know that the time will come soon. She is going to be so happy to see you. She's tired Jim, 93 years tired. You better make sure, your there when she gets there, NO IF ANDS OR BUT!! You hear ME???? Well I gotta go, Pop's is done with breakfast, and I gotta start his day. It'd be real nice, to see you.....*hint* *hint* I Love You!!! Talk to you soon. Bigger than the SKY! Katie Close
Father's Day / Rosemary Sis Of Alvin Cremeans Read >>
Father's Day / Rosemary Sis Of Alvin Cremeans
Wishing Jimmy's Father and brother a peaceful Father's day. love and prayers, Rosemary
Still breathing... / Deena (Heart & Soul )
I can't believe I have to communicate with you this way. I hate this Jim...I hate that the mornings are hard because the cool in the air reminds me of you getting ready for work in the morning. Then I think about what you would be doing this time of the day or which Palm Beach woman did you schmooze over today.
This morning Tuxedo got on the bed and said to him, "Jim would say, "awwoh Tuxedo!" and then I tried to make that little laugh that you would've done and then you'd grab the cat and hug him. I didn't grab, I just petted him and said, "That's what Jim would say."
When I look at the damn fish, I think of "snapperhead # 1, 2 ... When I see the crawfish at the fish store, I think of Lucy #1, 2, 3 ... When I had the allergic reaction to the shrimp last weekend, I looked at my swollen face and all I could think was, "Oh Jim would not like it if I were allergic to shellfish."
I wish you were here so I could admire those little things about you and keep them in my heart with a smile...not to be haunted by them. The hormones make it worse and then I just cry all weekend. This is so not fair, Jim! This is so not fair! I think you have taken over my brain ... mission accomplished ... LOL.
Then I think of all those young ladies who are just married and their husbands are overseas, at war (if you can call it that). The fear they must have ... I would've taken you to Canada. Even when you were thinking of signing up after 9-11 I said, "joining the military now would be a rash decision...AND I don't want you to go to war."
Fate deals a cruel hand and yet I am so blessedin this life. And still, I am simply mindless, overly emotional, in hidden dispair a decaying body with a lifeless spirt, its soul eager for escap. " I am a true blonde now ... right! I am lost with no purpose without you in my path ... I feel homeless, useless and careless ... I am tired and yet I cannot sleep. My brain hurts and now its numb ... My doctor asked me what my plans for children are... I just cried through the whole damn appointment.
I hope you can see what this has done to me, to us, to everyone whose ever loved you. I hope you can hear me when I am talking to you, when I call you, when I'm mad at you, when I think, "well Jim never would've done that with me." And then I think, "but he did say he'd take ballroom dancing if I wanted too." But of course, we never did. So many things we should've done...like get ourselves a SHRINK ;)
When I say "I love you" ... I'll always love you, Jim. Its all that I still feel. I take you with me through this life... its still the same for me ... come back! There is no joy in this life without you. Please, come back! Close
Tributes and Condolences
NEVER FORGOTTEN
